Introducing the Hairy One & the Squishy One

 

Hi everyone. Finn here, with my report from my first week in charge of these new hoomans. It’s been chaos.  I’m doing my best to assert dominance, but they refuse to cooperate. I’m weighing the “let them think they’re in charge” technique we learned at the academy. #ButItHurtsMySoul

Since I eat everything dangerous I can find, the hoomans won’t let me off leash or out of their sight.  Even inside the dwelling I’m tethered to one of them at all times. It may not have helped that within 3 minutes of being inside the house I tried to eat a tube of Benadryl cream and when they took that, turned to chew on a lamp cord plugged into the creepy little wall faces. The Squishy One says they found a cigarette butt, a wrapped Jolly Rancher candy and a red Barbie doll cape in my first poop here. #ThoseWereSouvenirsFromTheLastPlace  #WhyAreTheyExaminingMyPoop   

I’ve learned manners on the stairs super fast (staying at the bottom or top until the hoomans finish going up/down). #ItsHardToWaitForThem #TheyreSlow

I also learned that I don’t like water bottle squirts to the face – but those mainly happen when I’m chewing on a hooman. Apparently, that’s frowned upon around here. #Whiners

I’ve become quite attached to The Hairy One. He lets me chew on him a little when we play and doesn’t talk as much as The Squishy One. I’ve picked him as my #1. Well, I’m #1 but he’s my #1 #2.  #YouKnowWhatIMean

I’ve been using extensive protest tantrums to keep the hoomans on their toes. Mainly when The Hairy One leaves my sight, anytime I don’t get what I want, and randomly at 4am. The Squishy One says my record so far this week was a 6.4-minute meltdown that included a bonus throwing myself on the floor mid-scream. The Hairy One went in the “go for a ride” without me and left me with her. #Unacceptable #ISingTheSongOfMyPeopleForStrength

I’ve already taught them to shove treats in my pie hole whenever I want by trying to eat bad things off the ground. My redirection technique is working flawlessly on these two dopes. I especially like to ring the stoopid jingle bells on the front door so they think I need to pee. But really I just trick them into taking me outside to try to hoover up things I shouldn’t and get the treats. I know, I’m brilliant. Although, I heard some hooman called “Becky” tell my hoomans about a special foxtail mask to thwart my fun.  I don’t know what that means, but it should be here next week. Will report more on this later. #DoesntSoundGoodThough

The Squishy One keeps trying to teach me “place” and “stay” but I reaaaaaally hate those. I have entirely too much wiggle butt for that nonsense. Yet, she persists. #DidIMentionShesATalker

I’ve also been working on my angry stares. The hoomans are already commenting on my epic side-eye. When I’m really mad, I look The Squishy One right in the eye and chew on a piece of furniture or pop a squat.  She yells, I scoff, and we agree to disagree. #IDoWhatIWant

I also met a nice vet lady who weighed me and said I’m “perfectly perfect” at 41lbs and gave me lots of treats. I liked the vet.  Everyone gushed over my adorableness and told me I’m handsome. #SpoilerAlert:IAlreadyKnewThat

Things I’ve been yelled at for the most this week:
– Paws up on counter or desk
– Chewing on and trying to swallow bad stuff 
– Teething at the hoomans’ hands and arms when I get over excited 

I’m letting them think they are winning, for now. I’m slowly convincing them I’m submitting. All part of my master plan. 

Major stats:
– Escape attempts: hoomans 2, me 0
– Chewing on power cords: hoomans 4, me 0
– Swallowing yard debris: hoomans 266, me 3

That’s all the news and #Finnanigans from this week. Over and out. 

#TheFinnChronicles